Here is why.
Someone who I thought would be supportive isn't. Someone who I thought would not be supportive turned out to be nice, and supportive, and just a wonderful person in general. They also turned out to know a lot more about me than I thought. Why does this make me want to get lost. Mostly because while I'd like to think I know the people who I let get close to me, I really don't. Also, because even if i am wrong, I thought that person would support me no matter what, and instead they think I should stifle myself and become exactly what the person who started this whole mess wants me to be.
I will not become that woman who does whatever her boss tells her, tries to please men in authority, and in general is under someone else's thumb. Remarks made about shutting up becuase you're female are wrong. I don't care who says them. Insert anything else in there and there would be a lawsuit. "Shut up becuase you're gay." See what I mean?
Maybe I'm just a weak person. I didn't say anything at the time. I slipped back into that person who said yes and did what they were told for seven years. God, then I make bad jokes and make myself sound cynical and thats really not who I am, even if I do sound sarcastic a lot of the time.
I'm trying to quit a job, or a class, but the class isn't really an option. If I quit the class, I'll have to take extra next year. Extra as in more than a full course load. Since it got the best of me last year, I won't be repeating that again. So, I'm trying to quit a job. Lets see, well, I can't quit anything that pays me becuase unfortunately I need somewhere to live. So, I can't quit the quill, the coffee shop, the marking, or the tutoring. What do I do besides that, history club, and collegium, and Liberal stuff sometimes.
How did this all work out for me this week? Well, there was the history club thing with the performance by collegium, and the liberal agm which turned into becoming a delegate at the other agm in winnipeg in two weeks. So those things that I do for fun, that I don't want to cut, those are them. Those are the things I do to keep myself sane. So in an effort to not go anymore insane, I will be keeping those ones.
Ever feel like there's a downward spiral going on that you are completely either oblivious to, or can't stop? Thats how I feel. I'm lonely, tired, getting old, and doing too many thing, and not doing the ones I want to be doing.
So I'm getting lost. I'm going to become a monk, or a hermit, and find some hobbit hole to live in and do what I want to do. There is something magically serene about the idea of being a monk and devoting time to academic stuff. The whole accepting god part, not so much. I think I'll found an order of secular monks.
How much time would it take for you try and tough this out before you'd actually be able to lighten your workload?
ReplyDeleteYou're doing too much, but it does seem like you're between a rock and a hard place and can't really do any less. I'm not really sure what the solution is other than to be a tough cookie.
But you're a smart, intelligent girl. With some of the things you've been through in the past I don't think you'll have too hard of a time toughing through this. We all feel down and get negative sometimes. Try doing some breathing excercises. A friend told me to try plugging a nostril, inhaling through the other, then plugging the other one and exhaling out the other. Then repeat. It really does chill you out.