So I'm reading a lot of _____(insert descriptor) books

So, I've been reading. The books I've been reading - well, I'm not sure that they have a specific genre, nor can I call them good and bad. There are some very good things about them, as well as bad.

The last six or seven I've read this month, have all been your stereo typical 'law and order-esque'? books. Sure, lets call it that. There are some very annoying things about them - undeveloped/underdeveloped characters. Multitudes of characters that I can't quite place as being one type or another, and GENIUS predictable plot lines/outcomes.

So, that might lead you to wonder why I keep reading them.

Well, lets call it research. My own book is about half done, and the end of part one sort of finished itself for me in a rather cyclical almost anti-climactic way. The ending is also rather cynical, and not an ending at all - which is good, because it's only part one. So, having tried to overcome what I've decided is not writers block, but more like denial I started reading to do 'something' other than writing. Then I had a thought -

'I could write this.' This being the stereotypical novel. It would sell. I could write it. I even went so far as to play that out a little more and thought (in the bathtub) of some dialogue.

In my CSI/law meets order/meets nerd book, the scene that ultimately leads to the knight in shining armour screwing the dazzling lawyer (or some derivation of that) the dialogue goes something like this.

Knight of the not so round table: "I know what you were doing."

dazzling lady fiend #1: "I was listening to Miles Davis."

Knight: "what is it about Miles Davis that does it for you?"

dazzling: "It's the....
(searches for some instrument to pick that is not blown)
(searches for something other than drums because they like to be beaten)
(uhhh - guitars? they like to be strummed - that's so cliche.)
 ...all right, I was masturbating to Miles Davis. There's no instrument that isn't sexual I can think of. Oboes are practically a siren stick."

At which point in the real novel they go off and screw and have a lovely time of it - all just in time to save the day - eventually. Oh, and if the author has a kid thing, she's always wanted kids and ends up pregnant with the knights child by the end of the story and they walk off happy together.

Then I thought - that's not how that should end.

In my version, they blunder through sex - maybe. Or decide that genetic reproduction or the chances of it are in general a bad idea for the human race because well - we're sort of monsters. They then have a discussion about masturbation or sex that is not at all a turn on, thus alienating the entire market for that type of book. So in the end, my book doesn't sell, not to that market anyway. And, I don't want to write the book that does sell.

So, seven books later, and really about 30 pages into the first one, my research was done, and I discovered at the very least the kind of book I could write, but cannot because it might just make me puke.

Though secretly, I do like the occupy part of my time/aid in my denial books. They also sometimes have some generally interesting bits. Kinda like watching CSI or Law and Order.
Kinda.

I need to get back to the business of creativity. I have all these wonderful plans, and only a few things left to stand in my way.

List of accomplishments:

a) alienate the arts community and stand on my own - check (I've done this before, and will probably do it again, and really feel that in order to create the bond and shackles of politics and non-profit funded groups have to be out of my life.)

• I stepped away from the conservatory teaching at my university because I really did feel (and still do) that it was just a club for people who think they are better than the average person. I am just as talented a teacher and performer as any one of them, and I have the degree to prove it. I pride myself on being an academic, and I will always attempt to stay away from the cliques and groups
• I stepped away from my university newspaper and gave it over to the next generation to run. The Quill has always been near to my heart, and I will always love the way it helped me get through some really tough times, but I've learned what I can from it, got some amazing experience dealing with a non-profit board, and managed to salvage a number of friendships that will last much longer than a copy of a university newspaper.
• I've alienated myself from the board of the local folk festival. I was an active member, I will never regret the time I spent there, but will ultimately always feel betrayed as those were the people who purported themselves to be 'different' than the classical arts community here in Brandon. It turns out, all groups, and all boards, whether they are they board of a university newspaper, student council in high-school or university, board of  the folk festival, or a group of private conservatory teachers are fundamentally a clique. I'm done with high-school When someone can show me a group of people who want to benefit the community more than themselves I'll join it. As long as it is non-partisan and people are willing to openly discuss opinions that may not be their own, but are entirely valid points.

b)maintain all the things I have already started - check

• this blog is back up and running
• my website www.naimeless.wordpress.com  is finished being designed, has some preliminary art work up there, and eventually will have videos and audio when I get all those pieces to their final stages of being music as well as visual/written art.

c) admit defeat

• I will never be good at Vegas - the editing software, but I have Derek, so it doesn't matter.

List of things yet to come

a) move - on June first

• paint before moving - walls stripped and plastered, now on to the painting part.

b) move piano to Brandon - hard to work without an instrument.
c) make enough money from art to work 3 days a week. (five year plan?)

ugh.

Clearing in the Trees

I have learned in the past, that people do not respect other people's opinions - even when it is made clear that it is an opinion. I'm not sure about anyone else from Canada, but I'm pretty sure opinions weren't outlawed, and it's part of my rights as a person to have my own opinion - even if it's wrong.

Case in point - I can like this article on a broken promise posted by Deveryn Ross, even if I don't like his politics. Just because I didn't vote for him when he ran for mayor doesn't mean I don't believe his opinions can be right from time to time; or that his columns may make people openly discuss the issues around public funding, politics and government spending. That said, that doesn't mean I agree with what he thinks are the correct ways to deal with said problems. That's the beauty of a free country, there are lots of opinions, and lots of solutions. Not everyone agrees, and not every choice is right IN FACT sometimes none of the choices are right or good and it is just a matter of choosing the least wrong one.

Here's an example, the way the mayor and city council have dealt with the flood. They've taken the stance of extreme caution, done evacuations and of utmost importance decided to keep those living in the area safe. They could have not evacuated the area of town most in danger, and as it turned out they all probably would have been fine. They closed the corral centre and evacuated businesses in an effort to lessen traffic around the dikes. This is all fine and good, makes sense to me. However, they are letting the corral centre back in on Tuesday (link here), and not the businesses north of them go back. When at a chamber meeting the council promised to be fair to all businesses in the area - what they've done, is allowed big box stores many of which are not privately owned, back in the area which will increase the flow of traffic, and 'the little guy' has to stay out for longer. Do I think this is right? Probably not. Is that just my opinion. Yes. Can I understand why small business owners like Patches and Memories are upset. Of course. Did the city council make the right decision? Who knows. That's what voters are for.

I've recently voiced my opinons on Ross's column and the Brandon Folk, Music and Arts Festival line up for this year. I'm not sure which got me unfriended on facebook, and I don't really care. I have an opinion. Is it right? Who knows, does it deserved to be talked about publically? Why not. Am I friends with a myriad of people from all political backgrounds? Yes. Do I have many of them on facebook? Yes. So excuse me if I enjoy discourse of a variety of natures. Excuse me if I voice my own opinion and all of my friends have other opinions. They may not be NDP, Conservative, Liberal or religious like you but they are my friends. I value their opinions because of the people they are, not because they are part of a particular group. So screw all of you who think I have to be of the same political or whatever stripe as you.

I am non-partisan, I am non-religious, and fairly anti-organized anything (this includes religion, politics and everything in between). It makes me extremely annoyed that certain people can't see past what is a suggestion, constructive criticism, and opinion. I believe that open discussions are useful and needed in every day life. I believe that people should be able to talk across a political divide.

This will not reach anyone who matters, and if it doesn't reach the cowards who can't see past their own skin, well so be it. I'll keep going, and my opinions, or the decision to even have opinions will not change. Neither will I. I am okay in my own skin and my own place in the world.

Recipes for Life

Here's the cover that won the elimination process.

Soon to be available at The Cinnamon Tree, Westoba and Crocus Credit unions in Brandon, as well as the tea room? in Forrest. It will also be available at the Relay for Life walk this year. $20.00 - and you get a piece of me (and 1000 recipes that will warm your heart - which is clearly the best reason for buying it). All proceeds go to the Brandon Cancer Relay for Life.

In other news - I get paint tomorrow, and then get to paint all weekend :D

Someone should pay me to have ideas

I saw an article on Slashdot about a prize for creating a real medical tricorder. . . which got me thinking. We totally already have all the tools necessary as a human race to do that, but just need someone to figure out how.

There are people employed by the CIC (formerlly the CIA) who wear body suits that are essentially one big computer collecting data on everything around them. It is simply the person's job to walk around and let the suit record everything. So theoretically, we already have a life size version of a tricorder as far as collecting data and 'scanning' are concerned.

Secondly, we have Google, and it's all about database ordering, which if you've noticed they're pretty good at. I and query a search term, and probably come up with both a) suggestions on what I'm looking for and b) relevant results that might actually be worth clicking on.

So with a simple interface similar to many iPad applications, or something like the amazon kindle - all we need is a satellite or Internet connection and the medical officer in the field has Gray's Anatomy (the medical text - not the show) and whammo, you have a tricorder. Now as far as interfaces go, that would be up to developers to create something that after scanning allowed the operator to put in visual observations that only a 'human' can see leading to a more accurate diagnosis.

It really is too bad that I don't know how to program because that would be a pretty great prize. Here's the link though if you're interested in reading more about the contest. Invent the medical tricorder-win 10 million dollars

I'll also say right up front there are some issues that my version doesn't address - yet.
A) In military zones, there's a good chance that Internet/satellite access wouldn't be available.
B) The contest doesn't say whether the tricorder is for diagnosis and treatment, or for treatment only. They do however compare it to star trek, in which case, I chose to go with The Original Series - which is a diagnostic tool only and the Doctor carries around a med kit anyway. The criteria do state that it would need to be as good as a 'panel of experts'. I think I've covered that by using an ordered database, and the ability to put in human observations. Also - even a panel can be wrong so the job statistically of my device would be to hold up to human error (in a truly mathmatical and statistical way)
C) This also touches on cloud computing as storing that amount of data on one device would be ridiculously hard - especially if non-western medicines are incorporated.

Anyhow. I want someone to pay me to just come up with the ideas, and the database ordering - which I'm totally capable of on an analytical level. Now, I just need a programmer.

Close to my Heart

I have to share this, simply because it is one of the kindest things I have seen done in a very long time.

My brother is getting married this July, and I'll be honored to sing at their wedding, which will mark my first public (ish) performance for a very long time. I had a dream about the song, so I'm singing "From this Moment" which is completely fitting of my brother and his wonderful wife to be Jamie.

This weekend, they had her bridal shower, and social (in true Manitoba style) in the middle of a blizzard, with half of the roads closed in Manitoba - to a great, heart-warming turn-out. Rather than raise money for themselves, they raised money to donate for a great cause, near to to many of our hearts. The money they raised last night will be donated to suicide awareness.

It hasn't been a great week. There were any number of things that went wrong - my tires got slashed, the other tire went flat, my windshield cracked for no apparent reason etc. etc. etc. I missed going to the social because of the weather, and my brother lost one of his groomsmen. His funeral was on Thursday, and rather than dwell on the sadness, they both chose to turn a really awful situation in to something more positive.

For a long time, I've followed and been a  member of To write love on her arms which is a suicide awareness/prevention non-profit organization. You can check it out at the link I've provided.

Thanks guys - for bringing more awareness to a really important cause.

Happy Beltane!

Well,

Here it is the first of May - and I've been a little lazy. I've also been busy (no excuses though).

It's -1 the first of May, and there's now a foot of snow on the ground. I drove to get coffee this morning from Tim's and was not surprised to see a mile of semi's two lanes long - blocking traffic on the Trans-Canada highway between 1st and 18th Street. So, I'm choosing to spend the day in-doors. (There wasn't really any choice involved :P).

As for the purpose of this post....I've been working on a cover for a cook book for the Brandon Cancer Relay for Life. It's reminded me again why I like designing :). So here below are some of the covers I've created as mock up's as possibilities for them.

Anyhow, I'm safe and warm - house sitting two lovely felines and reading to refresh my memory about Beltane (May day) Here's the wikipedia link - History of Beltane according to Wikipedia and here's an alternative article explaining it's history as a worker's holiday from the Marxists :)  worker's holiday in May

Happy reading!

Time to catch up...

ARGGGGGHHHHH

Well - that was a major fail. I hate it when things don't do what they say. This blog post, took me about 10 minutes to write - I clicked to publish it, and ERROR. BAH.

Not only that, but the draft didn't auto save. I expect more from Google. I do NOT expect more from Facebook. I have learned that it is pretty much required to copy whatever I've written before hitting post because more than half of the time, it disappears miraculously and I have to retype it ALLLLLL over again. This has a) a little to do with using opera as a web browser and b) more to do with the fact that the programming for facebook and the scripts they use just don't always work. It's a massive site, I give them credit - but cripes does it make me angry at times.

This post was originally about images and being picky enough to re-do two that are on my wordpress blog, which is specifically dedicated to the artistic endeavors I've been pursuing.  Also, it bothers me enough that google doesn't recognize Canadian/British spelling that I default to American just to get rid of the red lines. I really do prefer 'ou' to 'o' though. By American rules thogh would look really stupid in my opinion.

So, Image a) Eternal

It needs some work - and is literally rough around the edges. So, now that I have working software again, and a tablet that will give me more subtle control, I can fix it. I reluctantly put it up at the time because someone really wanted to see it.

Image b) cosmo-porn

It's fine as a stand alone piece - but I have this really great 'found' poetry audio that needs to go with it, and a pile of windmill  pictures that make some short times lapse. That's this week's project.

Now then, Google damned well better work this time.

Photography

I recently had Photos of Europe add me on Twitter...they can be found here if you're interested, and they tweet quite a few interesting story links like this one about "The Enigma of Capturing Light", which I found very interesting.

Reading that article immediately reminded me that I too have been known to photograph things. Specifically the outdoors. I'm not much for people, and tend to like to photography anything and everything but. For a while now, I've had a flickr page which is 'sort of' up to date, and most of the photos are labled, there's a lot of back log to go through though, and editing photos takes a lot of time.

That said, most of those photos aren't digitally altered. I tend to correct the light balance only slightly, and never over do anything. Sometimes I straighten pictures, but that's really about it. Unless I'm using a photo for a photo/poetry combination I do very little besides make the photo what the original intention of taking it was.

Like this one: Zero alterations. Captured the light and the prairies exactly like I wanted. :) Check out the rest of my photos with little to no alterations, or my poetry/photos for more!

This time maybe I'll get it right

This time maybe I'll get it right...

I've tried a number of angles, and a number of themes to this blog. I do it mainly to keep my writing skills up, and to supplement my more creative side over at http://naimeless.wordpress.com. This time though, I think I'll settle for letting you all in on my plans for new creative ideas. My goal is to post about once a week, and to also keep doing the occasional music review.

After being an Area Head for the folk festival here in town (Brandon MB), a few more jobs, and recently surgery, I finally settled into life at Christies Office Plus. Christies is a locally owned company which supplies not only offices but many of the school divisions in both Manitoba and western Canada. It has turned out to be the ideal place for someone creative like me to work... Not only is the staff discount amazing, but I'm constantly bombarded with new ideas, new stock and any number of customers and staff to discuss things with.

 My current project is to finish the poetry 'mobile' I've started creating. Eventually I'll get to the point of filming it and putting it up on the web. I've just started working with Final Cut Pro and Vegas, and have a great teacher (also creative partner and life partner) to help me through all the button clicking. Picture for now, a mobile attached to a ceiling fan, which reads one poem when spinning one way and an entirely different one (using the same words) when spun the other way. It's set to music, and has some pretty amusing play on words in it.

Here's to new goals, and hopefully a new future of many creative projects to come.

Call it folk and I`m good.

So, the whole music blog went down the drain with the business of being an area head at Brandon`s Folk, Music & Art Festival this summer - which was a blast by the way.

From time to time, I may review albums I find particularily enchanting, but for now, back to the blog world of self-serving entries which I hope you may find useful.

That being said, if you`d like me to review something, I`ll gladly listen. I have very wide tastes in music, though my ability to review country music may be lacking - call it folk and I`m good.


This work by Naomi Leadbeater is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.5 Canada License.

Music in the Trees: Nathan

“I like to walk around my dark house” ... so do I. While I am a perpetual night owl myself, I like walking around it much better with some good music. I put on Nathan last night, when I was cooking myself supper at 10pm.

While much more of a country influence than I generally listen to, I am a sucker for good lyrics, and these songwriters definitely have a gift for quirky smooth, free running lines that are easy to sing with, and catchy at the same time.

Winnipeg's music scene has for a very long time been vibrant and creative, so it was no surprise to learn that the band thrives in the flat prairies which, as they say on their own page are “full of hidden caves, impossibly high mountains and murky oceans.”

The band is comprised of singer/writer/guitarist/thereminist Keri Latimer (formerly McTighe, she got hitched), singer/writer/accordionist/banjo-ist Shelley Marshall (formerly Bilewitch, she got hitched first), Bassist Devin Latimer, drummer Damon Mitchell, and a rotating cast of tubas, pedal steels and trumpets. (from http://www.myspace.com/nathanband)

It is the kind of music that everyone will undoubtedly get up and dance to at this year's folk festival. Nathan headlines on Saturday night and I would encourage anyone who can make it out to come dance in the dark with Nathan and experience the magical lyrics and beautifully rhythmic accompaniment which will entice you to join with them. Until then, have a listen at: http://www.myspace.com/nathanband  

Music in the Trees: Christa Couture

I fell in love about two chords in to the song “I don't play piano”. Now, I'm not sure if that's because I do play the piano, and might be slightly biased so I'll be up front on that account.

Couture comes from a musical background, and her blend of folk and what I might call rock scream with personality and charm. Her mother sang in a folk trio in the sixites called “The Cellar Dwellers” and her father performed Native-American ceremonial music his whole life. Her first release was in 2002 after which she moved to England and returned to Canada a year later overflowing with inspiration and began recording again. For more about her albums and music and life, visit http://www.christacouture.com/news.html?pageid=VISCAM

Back to the music – clearly the thing of which I am obsessed. There is something both charmingly innocent and sultry about her voice. Personally, I find the vocal lines both crisp and clear (in terms of tangibility and the ability to discern the lyrics) as well as smooth and lyric. For example, I have never in my life heard someone sing “You're just fucking my ghost.” in quite such a sweet way. Which in the grand scheme of the lyrics of that particular song “The Net” is incredibly brilliant and will make most listeners do a double take upon hearing it the first time.

I also am enormously appreciative of the harmonies between keyboard and string instruments which are not your regular run of the mill I - IV - V progressions, but much more melodic and linear. Something else which impresses me about Coultre is the dynamic range of her recordings which unlike mainstream music – actually HAVE a dynamic range.

What can I say, it was love at first listen, and I'm so looking forward to the live performance at the Brandon Folk, Music and Art Festival in July. If you're in town, or passing through, or hell, it's even worth making the trip just for the awesome amount of musicians. Check out this link for more info on the festival. www.brandonfolkfestival.ca


This work by Naomi Leadbeater is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.5 Canada License.

Music in the Trees

Summer brings about or should bring about sunshine, warm breezes the occasional thunderstorm and most of all music. While these reviews will be largely Brandon based for the time being, they will eventually branch out into bands that I have personal contacts with as well as those I meet online, and friends of friends of friends.

Brandon Mb, is an intimate performing venue and hosts many small performances for beginning artists during the year as well as attracting larger acts and more famed performers such as Buffy Sainte Marie and Randy Bachman. Coming up in the near future is the Brandon Folk, Music and Art Festival which now in its 26th year has grown astronomically in the last few years. Buffy Sainte Marie is this year's big name, and as well as perform, she will be hosting workshops with talented artists who are just at the beginning of their artistic paths.

So, what follows is the beginning of my reviews, of some very fantastic artists and musicians who will be part of the Brandon Folk Festival this year. While it's only my opinion, I believe strongly in the folk festival and its commitment both to the artists and our community. I hope these reviews are helpful, give you some new information and encourage you to form your own.


This work by Naomi Leadbeater is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.5 Canada License.

I am not

I am not.

Not a girl

Not a woman, not a man

Not the abuse victim,

Not the abuser

I am Human

Living, Breathing, Walking, Being

Human

Loss Limitless

Loss Limitless

Broken pieces of human lore
Facing each day with memories
Once close - within my arms
Ripped out and burried.

Stripped to innocence
Immaculate yet unclean
Underneath your grasp

Spiraling candent angels
Screaming with lifeless children in their arms
Scratching at the walls -
Clawing at your coat tails
Justification?

Motionless in motion
Carried each day
Backlash and pride
All suffered
Human at last.

Haven't written for a while, here's some poems.

The world spins apart when I look in your eyes.

My mind falls away and you leave me behind.

Every night I see you, I run away.

Every time I leave you, I wish I had stayed.

Much more than that, I wish we had played.

Dream big my friend and you will lose me

Dream in tiny bursts and you might stand me

The freedom I seek can’t live beside you

The love I shy from is coming from you.

Find me alone and you get nothing but walls,

Discover my pain and those walls will rebuild

Enter my fortress and you’re never coming back

Stand at the door and I won’t let you look back

You tear my apart when you smile down at me

I can’t seem to speak the words that I long each day to say

I’m more frightened of love than I am rejection

Weird Foods

Having not blogged for a while, since there was little time in general, and a lack of interesting things to say...here goes.

I do not normally have a weird penchant for strange foods. I am kinda a plain person when it comes to that. I don't even get cravings all that often. If I do, they're not hard core, and most often its a Whopper, cuz everyone misses the smell of that after working at BK for 5 years plus (not. ick. sick.)

The last few days however, I've had a desire and craving specifically for strange foods.

Meal number one: Stir fry... on its own not weird. put some tofu in it, every green veggie i could find, mushrooms...and MANGOS. Delicious. The sauce was teryaki and ranch salad dressing mixed together.

Rice noodles with spinich (hot and boiled together) Served with Balsalmic Vinegrette dressing cold. Interesting, not bad.

So far, these are not so weird. It gets better.

Kraft dinner, with black olives and bbq sauce, and lots of pepper. I love pepper. (I specifically craved all of those things mixed together btw.)

Latest meal: Fried eggs, becuase I failed at hard boiling them. (they cracked) mixed with mayo paprika and salt and pepper....and Strawberry Banana yogurt.

Now then, I think I'll go try pickles in pasta.

A whack of lyrics

Okay, so the past few weeks have resulted in a plethora of many, many lyrics. Partly due to stress, and also, its a great way to wind down after a long day. As well, in those manic phases of writing, the obviously tends to be a lot. :P.


Lets start cheesy.
I don't know how to break your heart, you mean so much to me. I'm not sure why you're still here after all this time. I hope you hear these words years from now and know how much you meant to me, because I know it will never be the same again.

My beer is salty and I can't stop sobbing. Breaking your soul has broken my mind. I miss you already and you're not even gone. I can't see the walls with out you on them and it hurts me deep down inside.

This cheesy kitsch love song makes me thing of all those times with you when we were making fun of everyone else. Now i've realized that you are better than any love song could ever be and more reliable than any lover i've ever had.

I am not that nice person you make me out to be, and I am broken and don't know how to fix me. You make me feel like its okay that i'm broken, and you make me hate myself the other half of the time. I still love you for being my friend, and I want you back.

This manic-depressive world you make me live in has gone to hell.

Next song is about creepy band camp guy 2.

I lied. but its still worth reading. (even if its not a band camp guy song)

Mo anam cara

What once was loved, now lost and still lingers.

The anger and the bitterness lull away

Beauty and vivid snapshots remain

Once loved and never forgotten, another day 

passes. my soul lists away. (clearly the chorus)

Morbid longevity, lonely pillows and too soft sheets.

Empty hear and swallowed up mind

remaining for another to find.

Knowing that kindness, reliving that touch.

Constant squalloring and searching for another 

to fill this heartless void.

Once loved, always remembered. Once given 

looks away. Once kissed never repaired

once soul bound dead.

Standard

The good...sharing words of wisdom, lost in your energy. Beauty in sleep. Languishing hours in footed tubs. Streams of hair gently blowing. Holding your hand for no reason. Knowing that you cared as much as you could.

Dark twisted dreams, angels with dead babies, a foretelling of the future. Deceit, fowl and anger. Leave me to another who would do even worse.

Was there good? Was nothing better? Self delusion and denial. Trying to meet unrelenting ever changing standards. 

Quickly dying inside only to be reborn a painful youthful awkward death. Emotions walled off and untapped - now untrained and un-conforming.

The treasure hunt along this path. Filled with little tricks, loneliness and hidden resent. Crying for someone to wake up to and run away with. Some days, the truck calls out California, but the gas just isn't enough.

The Great Portender

Jealous, hateful eyes. Disappointed

mourning over something never truly held.

a closed door means so much more. Not everything about me,  but everything 

you do affecting me.

Are you listening to my eyes? Can you see me

one heart? Binding words frighten you away and spiteful games make me wait for

you behind a closed door that means little more.

I love you, but not in essence. I abhor you 

and your presence and respect your boundaries, but 

I am me and I'm not you.l I am 

Soulful and ever giving and open.

Don't want your touch, embrace or kisses.

Can't be that ideal woman. want your eyes

forgiven, need your heart in one full piece.

If you understand how you can hurt me, 

why do you keep on doing it again?

Something somehow, you once was

Something jealous, something hateful. Something 

confused and something spiteful. Number one you will always

somehow be.

Somehow forlorn, somehow longing, somehow

sorrowful and somehow spawning. Number two I 

need you now.

You were abusive, you were reclusive, you were

resentful and you were baseless.

Minus one you broke me up.

Once sweet, once deceitful, once the jokester

and once spriteful. My first you were

memorable.

Was I sinful? Was I honest? Was I both

and was that upon us? Left with only myself I turn the light out. 

Some say soon I will forget my promise.

Foretell my lies

Timing is off, my warp drive is sound

Revealing your inner Vulcan

Superseding my lines.

You anticipate, recreate and correct my 

minds. You singulate, co-ordinate 

and foretell my lies.

Attraction is three-fold, my tries are not in vain,

yet never do you 

submit. My cries of furry remain

Knowledge of culmination one day in

the future. Willingness to be all that

you wanted and still myself.

questioning your motives, manipulations 

and eyes. Disregarding for the first time

logic and prospering in the beauty of your

illogical mind.

Give comments, smile, make other people happy :)

The ultimate question

This blog may go no further than a simple question. I require feedback.
Do I have to choose between love and a relationship and school?
Here is the background information you need to know to answer properly this stupid question.
I am a difficult person to live with and be with, I'd say at times, but realistically, most of the time I am difficult. I am moody, and excitable, and sometimes loud. I am creative, and I don't sleep a lot, and I tend to come and go as I please. Having said that, the coming and going is mostly because there is no one to keep me in bed.
I am a creative person, and sometimes this means questionable behaviour. I make no appologies, and I like to experiment with various organic substances. I have weird thought patterns, and do not understand people.
I may never have children of my own. I want children someday. I want to adopt. Thus, in my 29 years of wisdom, I am not averse, or opposed to the idea of raising someone else's children or child as my own. I know even saying that is out there, but I do believe that children should have love and support. I have that to give, even in a 'non-traditional' situation. I have a huge heart.
Sometimes, I require protection from myself. My good friends know this. I have close friendships that mirror relationships without sex. They mean a lot to me, and I will always have them. This does not mean that I am incapable of having a relationship with someone else. Those people are protective of me, and they will always be wary of new 'men' in my life.

Enough about me personally.

Academically, I am smart, I know I am good enough to do grad school and get a PhD. I am transient by nature, and like to travel. I do not put down roots, and I get very wrapped up in learning and studying. So wrapped up that the entire rest of the world does not matter at times.

So given all that; Is it possible to have both? Do I have to choose?