Sorrow and Awe

Yawning perpetually at the world,

both in sorrow and in awe

Seeking lies to cover up and truths to under veil

Dreaming in a distance, in an eclipse and within the mile

Sighing under moons and dancing under the sun

Yawning perpetually at the world, 

both in sorrow and in awe

Climbing in the sea and scaling oceans wide

Crossing prairie skies with little more than clouds for gas

Lazing in an office requiring more from the outside

Yawning perpetually at the world, 

both in sorrow and in awe

Painting a hyperbolic picture both with intent and schism in mind

Requiring less from with in and leaning backwards through time

Rising with a wave and wind to push beyond

Yawning perpetually at the world, 

hoping one day awe will inspire more than sorrow.

Sky by Sky

Blowing kisses down the jet stream

Reaching spirits sky by sky

Obscene lights and dismal grays

Juxtaposed by windmills and fleeting dreams

Blow me kisses and sing me dreams

Take me on a serendipitous journey down the jet stream

A top a lined mirage, sentinel to mounds

Fuming beams of the sun call him o'er to me

Dreams of days not yet begun and fallacies revealed

Pick me up from pieces lost.

Blow me kisses and sing me dreams

Take me on a serendipitous journey down the jet stream

Know me for him and I for you

Let my soul stream widely on a path unbequethed

Blow me kisses and sing me dreams

Take me on a serendipitous journey down the jet stream

Blow me kisses down the jet stream and let me die with thee.

Some notes

If you read it and hear screamingly country the first time, all is not lost. (Sorry Jake)

Its rather ironically upbeat and bluesy all at the same time. Like I think I am happy at the prospect of dying somewhere on the jet stream someday, especially if someone is blowing me kisses.

Oh how I can wish....

Note, the nerd in me used some older english :D, and also a reference to Don Quixote...and Serendipitous is the best word ever, and the fact that it works rhythmically is ever more better :D. Oh and secret hint at a location of a mound...

The inspiration for this came from a conversation I had...now, having said that, I took it totally (well partially) out of context, and made it into this. That's how I roll, there are just these phrases that pop out at me occasionally, and this is what I turn them into. I can't even explain how I know when i hear/read them. They just sing on the page or in the air. . . 

Incongruencies

So I'm thinking about using this as a way to foster my growth of lyrics. Those things that are written down all over the place, not yet set to music, but need to be somewhere, maybe I'll put them here.

For every great one there are at least 50 crappy ones. The real gems happen only once or twice, and for me seem to happen all in a row and then nothing for ages.

Blowing kisses down the jet stream . . . that one was fantastic. It will probably be the first one that I put up here. While it may sound kinda country, its not, has a more soothing tone than that. 

Also, for the first time ever, I hit spell check and it said no misspellings found! Go ME!

So if you're interested in the lyrics, let me know and I'll put some of them up. I think I'll start with the ones that I think are less appealing, and you can tell me how you feel about them.

I pay little heedence to nasty remarks, but put much more weight in the opinions of my friends.

the one where i sound all cheesey

I like random. I am random and eccentric, and those little hints that make me realize someone else is paying attention to me. Singers are notoriously self centered, and I am no different. I spend a lot of time wondering if I am ready for another relationship, or if I am just meant to be single. Certainly there have been people interested, all of whom I have turned down. I'm not waiting for the perfect person, I'm just waiting for someone to make the first move. 

That first move is the part I'm not good at. That and perhaps part of me is old-fashioned enough to want to be courted and lusted after from afar. Only for a while. As much as I love the chase, I miss having the companionship. 

(Uncle Bill, you can laugh now. Didn't know I was so romantic did ya? Thought I was all cynical and snide??)

There are certain things in life that I enjoy. The cup of coffee in the morning while I read the news, being curled up under many blankets while watching a movie. Roses. I used to have a garden of 23 different roses most of which were developed at the Morden experimental farms. 

Sometimes I wonder if being married and getting divorced has made me 'damaged goods'. Someone once told me that I was. I would like to think I've come a long way in the last seven years. I'm much different now than I was then. I have gained back the personality that was lost. I am screamingly independant and willing to stand up for myself. I am finally finding once again the reason I love music and I am my own person. 

While I may talk a lot and tell a lot of stories, those who are closest to me know that I am also good at listening. I am incredibly patient and kind hearted. I can give all of myself to someone and be willing to risk that they won't give it all back. I am not an idealist, I am just a real person. Honesty is not my best quality, but it is my best fault. Lately I find myself wanting more and more of someone's time. Someone in particular. I kinda wish that someone would just jump in with both feet and throw caution to the wind, because that is what I am willing to do.

You know for anyone reading this, it must seem like I am playing some giant game. I kind of am. Yet, somewhere inside me, I want the other person to make the first move, but also to know that I want him to. So I do weird things like this. Maybe that makes me self-centered and eccentric, but it doesn't matter. I think I'm a good person to take a risk on.

So world, here I come, I am finally okay enough to be with someone else. No longer am I hidden and scarred. I have grown from all this and still want to be part of this world. While I spend my days hidden in a pile of books, writing, reading and composing, I am ready to make the time for someone else. 

Part of me just needs someone else to help keep me on track. I'm all about the being rewarded for good behaviour. 

This is a blog about my horrible week

So, I'm looking to get lost. Please leave your ideas after the post...

Here is why. 

Someone who I thought would be supportive isn't. Someone who I thought would not be supportive turned out to be nice, and supportive, and just a wonderful person in general. They also turned out to know a lot more about me than I thought. Why does this make me want to get lost. Mostly because while I'd like to think I know the people who I let get close to me, I really don't. Also, because even if i am wrong, I thought that person would support me no matter what, and instead they think I should stifle myself and become exactly what the person who started this whole mess wants me to be. 

I will not become that woman who does whatever her boss tells her, tries to please men in authority, and in general is under someone else's thumb. Remarks made about shutting up becuase you're female are wrong. I don't care who says them. Insert anything else in there and there would be a lawsuit. "Shut up becuase you're gay." See what I mean?

Maybe I'm just a weak person. I didn't say anything at the time. I slipped back into that person who said yes and did what they were told for seven years. God, then I make bad jokes and make myself sound cynical and thats really not who I am, even if I do sound sarcastic a lot of the time. 

I'm trying to quit a job, or a class, but the class isn't really an option. If I quit the class, I'll have to take extra next year. Extra as in more than a full course load. Since it got the best of me last year, I won't be repeating that again. So, I'm trying to quit a job. Lets see, well, I can't quit anything that pays me becuase unfortunately I need somewhere to live. So, I can't quit the quill, the coffee shop, the marking, or the tutoring. What do I do besides that, history club, and collegium, and Liberal stuff sometimes.

How did this all work out for me this week? Well, there was the history club thing with the performance by collegium, and the liberal agm which turned into becoming a delegate at the other agm in winnipeg in two weeks. So those things that I do for fun, that I don't want to cut, those are them. Those are the things I do to keep myself sane. So in an effort to not go anymore insane, I will be keeping those ones.

Ever feel like there's a downward spiral going on that you are completely either oblivious to, or can't stop? Thats how I feel. I'm lonely, tired, getting old, and doing too many thing, and not doing the ones I want to be doing.

So I'm getting lost. I'm going to become a monk, or a hermit, and find some hobbit hole to live in and do what I want to do. There is something magically serene about the idea of being a monk and devoting time to academic stuff. The whole accepting god part, not so much. I think I'll found an order of secular monks.