the one where i sound all cheesey

I like random. I am random and eccentric, and those little hints that make me realize someone else is paying attention to me. Singers are notoriously self centered, and I am no different. I spend a lot of time wondering if I am ready for another relationship, or if I am just meant to be single. Certainly there have been people interested, all of whom I have turned down. I'm not waiting for the perfect person, I'm just waiting for someone to make the first move. 

That first move is the part I'm not good at. That and perhaps part of me is old-fashioned enough to want to be courted and lusted after from afar. Only for a while. As much as I love the chase, I miss having the companionship. 

(Uncle Bill, you can laugh now. Didn't know I was so romantic did ya? Thought I was all cynical and snide??)

There are certain things in life that I enjoy. The cup of coffee in the morning while I read the news, being curled up under many blankets while watching a movie. Roses. I used to have a garden of 23 different roses most of which were developed at the Morden experimental farms. 

Sometimes I wonder if being married and getting divorced has made me 'damaged goods'. Someone once told me that I was. I would like to think I've come a long way in the last seven years. I'm much different now than I was then. I have gained back the personality that was lost. I am screamingly independant and willing to stand up for myself. I am finally finding once again the reason I love music and I am my own person. 

While I may talk a lot and tell a lot of stories, those who are closest to me know that I am also good at listening. I am incredibly patient and kind hearted. I can give all of myself to someone and be willing to risk that they won't give it all back. I am not an idealist, I am just a real person. Honesty is not my best quality, but it is my best fault. Lately I find myself wanting more and more of someone's time. Someone in particular. I kinda wish that someone would just jump in with both feet and throw caution to the wind, because that is what I am willing to do.

You know for anyone reading this, it must seem like I am playing some giant game. I kind of am. Yet, somewhere inside me, I want the other person to make the first move, but also to know that I want him to. So I do weird things like this. Maybe that makes me self-centered and eccentric, but it doesn't matter. I think I'm a good person to take a risk on.

So world, here I come, I am finally okay enough to be with someone else. No longer am I hidden and scarred. I have grown from all this and still want to be part of this world. While I spend my days hidden in a pile of books, writing, reading and composing, I am ready to make the time for someone else. 

Part of me just needs someone else to help keep me on track. I'm all about the being rewarded for good behaviour. 

This one's for you

I realized this week, that I am not as young as I thought I was. Seriously, I can't add apparently and was off by two years. So to anyone who's asked me how old I am in the last year, add two years please. :(

A wave of, "What am I on crack?" was my first thought at this discovery, and while I may still party hard - admittedly less often and not so much with the all night anymore - that whole age creeping up on you thing is a little freaky. 

The later (not the crack) is the more important part. Mostly I just had to throw in the crack for Jake. Also, for being a post about getting old, this sure has a lot of crack in it. I'm not on crack if anyone cares. Its not organic.

The entire week has led me to the conclusion that I am more middle aged than ever. Those years of crazy music student are fading, and I am becoming responsible. 

Proof 1: It was a little weird for me to see students I tutor or mark at the bar. Then it was even more surreal to realize that they are all younger than my brother.  My brother is clearly the youngest person in the world. He quit aging at about 12 in my mind. Needless to say, he is the more "well-adjusted" one, and has a house, farmland and girlfriend. He has become the epitome of responsibility and sure makes me look like ummm, well a crazy hippie, most days.

Proof 2: When the kid you baby sat when you were 12, gets married. Lil bit weird. When the same kid is pregnant and going to have a baby (redundancy is allowed this early in the day), that's even more étrange. 

Proof 3: When everyone else in the bar thinks that the songs are all new, but they're really just covers of songs that came out in the 70's and 80's. When you then realize the bar is a pub, you are pretty much the same age as the guys in the band. Then to top it all off, you're closer in age to the parents of the guy who is having a birthday, not the guy who is having the birthday. Oh, actually this gets even worse. The person that you're sitting with at the bar, he might be the conductor, but you have much more in common with him than any of the students. 

Proof 4: While at said bar, you can reminisce about 99 and how the school has gone down hill since then. Oh and when you both remember teachers that have retired, three deans and then go on an academic rant about how jazz today is really just a new form of medieval music. (It really is. I will write about that later.)

Proof 5: When the bar/pub no longer has a problem with giving you a tab. Not because you're there every night, but because you're "old" and not a "flight risk". 

Proof 6: Any number of list of health/sleep related things. Can't drink coffee after 7, unless you want to be up all night. Are tired at 9pm, then can't sleep until 2am, then wake up at 7am and cant' go back to sleep. Need to have an afternoon nap. Most weird when you go home to see your parents and both you and your dad fall asleep in chairs after lunch.

So enough of the whining about being old. The point is, I like being old. Getting old is almost exciting in some twisted eccentric way.  I haven't figured out why yet. I'll let you know. It probably has something to do with medieval/jazz fusion.

Lil bit of a rant on the number 25

Okay, so at first the whole 25 things about me on Facebook chain letter. That was lame.

I held out for what was a decent amount of time. Then couldn't sleep one night and decided 3am was an appropriate time to begin writing. I will be the first to admit that people learned exactly what I wanted them to learn about me. 

I will also admit, I am entertained by some of my friends responses. I was especially entertained by the people who filled it out drunk. I suppose it is one of the least inflamatory things you can do on drunk facebook. 

I like my facecrack as much as anyone else. I still find it weird when people say they've read something, or comment on it 30 seconds after I post it. Wait 2 minutes. Better yet, wait until I change facecrack chat to be off line, while I'm looking at everyone else's page, and then post whatever it is. 

I'll read it and I'll comment on it or drop hints later. 

This post, its here for the entire purpose of revealing who is reading my blog and is also on facebook, but not 'man' enough to follow my blog.