How to Capture my soul in 10 easy steps

Whether you call it Singles Awareness Day, or Valentines day matters not. Whether I have been single or with someone has not mattered either. It never lives up to my expectations. Having said that, my expectations are generally higher than most people and I tend to be relatively hard on myself compared to the rest of the population. I think.

All the years I have been old enough to remember valentines day have disappointed me. Unfortunately this blog doesn't end in a happy ending, or even a shmoozy one. 

I was that kid in class who always got valentines cards from everyone. Even in grade three, I understood the meaning behind the words, and questioned why people always seemed to give me the "friend" valentines and not the "i like you, tee hee" valentines. To put this in context, in grade 3 I read Robinson Crusoe, and The Swiss Family Robinson. I also had my grandma read me Shakespeare, and I read Byron, Keats and Browning (they were her favorite poets). By grade six I was checking books out of the BU library, and reading the history of The Tudors, Mary Queen of Scots etc. By grade eight I had exhausted what was interesting to me in history from the BU library, and started reading Nietzsche and Dante. I also read Paradise Lost in grade eight. So essentially the point is, I might have been at a higher reading level and while classmates chose Valentines cards randomly, I was analysing their choices.

My first boyfriend (who yes, I did meet him at band camp) was ummm, perhaps not stable is the best way to describe him. However, he celebrated love every day of the year except Valentines Day. He used to write me songs, and I remember breaking up with him on Halloween and burning everything he or I had ever written and throwing it down a waterfall. In any case, out of principle he didn't celebrate, so I missed out on the sentimental Valentines Day during my teen years. 

The guy I married, well he was just cheap. End of story.

Since then, well there was the mistress situation. That killed valentines. Being alone, kinda takes the fun out of it. There was one year when I was managing a restaurant we had "loser Valentines Day" Drank the lounge dry with 2 other managers, (the bill which he covered was for 27 beers each). We literally drank all the beer the lounge had on hand. Then we ended up at Houstons, I remember having 6 beer. I know I had more than that . . . I also ended up strangling the guy that paid for all the beer in the Women's washroom at Houstons that night. Then I took a cab home. 

This Valentines Day, well, its not a disaster I suppose. Clearly its not great, cuz I'm blogging. Watching the Omen was entertaining. I think I'll go for The Birds next. 

Why does it never live up to what I want. Probably because I'm a hopeless romantic (shhh don't tell :P). Someday, someone should surprise me, sweep me off their feet, and display some grand gesture of love. I don't need expensive, though I am super jealous of the diamond rings that Cody gave Kristy. . 

So, if I have any mystery admirers, or hell, even creepers - you can't be much worse than what I've already encountered. Trust me. Here's your one step guide to capturing my heart and mind.

1. Poetry is cool, I am a nerd.

2. Be discrete, I get embarrassed easily, but love attention.

3. Be romantic, in the cheesy chivalric sense of the word (This reminds me I have to write an essay. Boo.)

4. I am really eccentric and strange some days. It doesn't mean that I don't want to be loved too. :(

5. Don't do music. I'm anal retentive about music. Unless it happens to be super cheesy and like on some strange medieval instrument and self composed. Then I'll be won over instantly.

6. Dote on me, hug me. I like hugs. Hugs make me not sad.

7. For Christ's sake, be freaking blunt. I'm not generally thinking on any level common to anyone. Who ever you may be, you'll have to be blunt. As in "I'm interested in you, in a hump your leg kinda of way." conversely, "I'm interested in you and can't stop thinking about you." or "If I kiss you, will you run away?" are also acceptable. 

8. I like dancing, I'm not good at it, but I like it, and I don't care whether you are good at it either.

9. I am sensitive. I over analyze and sometimes I tire of the games people play. I think the whole flirting game and whatever is so much more fun after someone has the guts to approach the other person. Don't keep me waiting.

10. While I am still waiting for someone to swoop me off my feet, I am realistic. You probably aren't reading this. However, if you are, I'm going to chalk it up to divine intervention.